--- begin forwarded text

>On the subject of Grass....and God said to St Francis...
>GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world
>is
>going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
>thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
>plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply
>with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts
>butterflies,
>honeybees and flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of
>colors
>by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
>
>ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
>They
>started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them
>and replace them with grass.
>
>GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
>butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
>with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
>there?
>
>ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep
>it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
>other
>plant that crops up in the lawn.
>
>GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
>That must make the Suburbanites happy.
>
>ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
>it,
>sometimes twice a week.
>
>GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
>ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
>GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
>ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
>GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
>And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
>
>
>ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
>GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
>the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
>lot of work.
>
>ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
>growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
>can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>
>GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
>stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
>to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the
>ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
>the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance
>the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
>
>ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
>circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
>to have them hauled away.
>
>GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
>and to keep the soil moist and loose?
>
>ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
>which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
>the
>leaves.
>
>GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
>ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
>GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're
>in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
>
>ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about...
>GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

--- end forwarded text


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